Conflict is part of our everyday life.  It seems that recently many of my friends have had more than their share of problems.  I have also been struggling looking for answers myself.  At the Daikomyosai 2009, a celebration of Soke Hatsumi’s birthday, we gather from all around to demonstrate a technique and offer a philosophical outlook on what this technique means in our lives.  My demonstration had an attacker grabbing me with both hands by my lapels, pulling me up into his face and then shook me like a rag doll.  My technique translated means Seagull.  To defend yourself, you flap your arms up and down violently knocking on the attackers hands like you knock on a door.  You do this flap only once and on the down stroke you lower your weight just as a bird does before they take flight.  This drives the attacker’s posture down and forward giving you the advantage.  I then kicked the attacker in the floating ribs, dropping him.  I explained that this technique feels like conflict in my life.  It approaches, gets in my face, and like a frightened bird I have to flap my wings and kick my legs to escape.  I do this just so I can keep on going always anticipating the next problem

At the end of training the host instructor, Doug Norman, offered some advice.  I’ll have to paraphrase. 

“You can only want something for someone as much as they want it for themselves.  Some circumstances will be helped if you care more then they, but it is important to be able to realize when you are the only one left who even cares.  If you want something more than they do for a long time,  you will only beat up your spirit.”

I later spoke with my mentor, Bud Malmstrom.  I asked him about something I remembered from his book when he wrote about decision making.  I believe he used employment for his example in his book.  If you have a job that you hate so bad it kills you to get out of bed and go to work, you need to realize that it is your fault that you have a crappy job.  You could quit and change jobs but you choose to stay and tolerate it.  If you truly disliked it then you would make the change.

I was wondering about the timing of the decision and when a decision to quit something could be internally justifiable.  I grew up thinking you should never quit, push on and persevere.  I used battered women for example.  They tolerate and tolerate until it finally gets so bad that they have to leave or die.  There has to be a better way of making a decision than to wait until it’s about to kill you if you don’t make it.  Bud jokes calling this “Budism”, not to be mistaken with Buddhism, but a simple Bud-ism that I will surely never forget.

Bud said when you are faced with an issue that bothers you, there are really only three choices to consider.  First, you need to decide if you can live with it.  If you can’t live with it then you need to change it.  If you’ve tried and couldn’t change it then you need to leave it.